You're out of my mind. Out of my mind...

I'm exhausted....but I can't sleep. I hate that. I absolutely hate it. About two hours ago I found myself purging. It felt horrible, but at the same time, it felt okay. What the hell? My throat hurts, my glands are swollen, my nose hurts. Afterwards my nose bled a bit, and I know it's related. My stomach/sides are killing me and I have a headache, but with all of the pain, I feel okay. I always feel that I've tricked the "system." I'll no longer have sores or scratches on my fingers, haha, I use a spoon or a ink pen. Right. So who wins? No one. It doesn't matter if anyone knows what I'm doing or not...in the end, I'm only hurting myself, and this I know. There's so much satisfaction while tossing food down my throat. A complete feeling. Success. In control...I can control it even further as I get it out of my body as well. I can keep down how much I choose. I can stop when I'm ready. I can stop eating. I can stop getting rid of the food. It's all under my direction. Sometimes we can't control anything in our lives, then we find something that we can control and what happens? We abuse the hell out of it. It's been a while since I've purged, and I only hope that it will be a long time before I feel the need to do it again.

One of my best friends refuse to talk to me anymore...he's stuck on himself. Well, it's not that he refuses to talk to me, he refuses to truly listen to me, so I refuse to talk to him...he is the one who doesn't care anymore. I've always given him my full attention, but anytime that I need to talk, he doesn't want to be there, even if he asks me to open up. I don't want to just let him go, but I feel that I have no other choice...sticking around is frustrating the hell out of me.

I'm freezing.