Mother, mother, how's the family?

I realized earlier today that I missed a friend's birthday...last month. Damn. His birthday was Feb. 23. Not only did I miss it, but it completely slipped my mind. I feel horrible. Since the murder of my friend in Feb. 2005 and the death of another in Feb. 2005, I think I've not been myself at all. Everything is okay one minute, and the next you get a call hearing that someone's been shot seven times. You hear your mom crying in the background, and the thought of your nephews without their father pass through your head. A fear that you never wanted them to have to deal with. Complete chaos...and you are miles away in a dorm helpless being held by a frightened roommate, who expects you to commit suicide at any second. A few days later you find out that another friend died in a car accident, but you've missed the funeral because she died weeks earlier. The mourning becomes one. My days are no longer a "one by one" thing, since 2005, I literally feel like I've been living everyday as one. Incident in Jan 2007 didn't make anything any better. I've been detached from everything and everyone. Why am I just now realizing this? A friend just told me that he doens't even know if I'm alive anymore. I honestly don't know if I'm alive anymore.