I'm going to swim to the ocean floor...

I honestly get so tired of trying to explain myself and my thought process to people. I want people to understand me, especially those who are close to me, but I honestly don't feel like sitting up and explaining things...I have in my mind that everyone should just know, especially if they know me, but I know that this will never be the case...so why do I continue to push people away when they ask what's going on?

I've lost weight...I just have no idea as to how much. My clothes are all fitting differently, which is a good thing. As of now I'm know it's a combination of exercise, less food and the diet pills. I said earlier that I'd only take these fifty and that was it..but apparently that was a lie, and from the beginning I knew that. I guess I was trying to kid myself. So I'm going to purchase three bottles of Hydroxycut and two bottles of Hoodia. I'm going to switch off between the two and continue on with my routine. Why stop now?

A friend was telling me that if I lose weight some guys may not like me anymore. A lot of guys like "healthy" girls because it shows that they can carry and give birth with no problem. Well, to be honest, it hasn't benefited me at all. The guys who like me do like thick girls, but those very guys aren't trying to settle down and have a relationship. They want a fuckship and that's it...They aren't trying to settle down and have a family...they just want a fling, and I'm not down with that. In fact, I'm tired of that...so I'm willing to change whatever it takes to see if it makes a difference. I honestly don't care anymore. So, maybe I'm just self-absorbed...good..for once I'm thinking of me. I'm completely thinking of me. Is there a problem with that? Diet pills kill you? That's a route I'm willing to take...in the end we all die anyway. This isn't sudden...I've been "lame" like this since I was like 14. That was when I had my first diet pills. I liked the results. I liked the comments. But I opted for a safer route, which included exercising, eating very little, fasting or throwing up...it wasn't worth it.

I think, deep inside, I want someone to save me, but then again, I don't want anyone in my way. I feel completely lost and alone. It's like everything that I do is wrong and it continues to be so fucking wrong. It doesn't matter what choice I make, it doesn't matter if it is good and helpful, it's still wrong and I hate that. I hate it so much...I don't feel like I have ahold of anything.

It's a hopeless situation...

Out of all the frustration and confusion around here, I gave in. I gave in. Now I just want someone to sit beside me and hold me, someone who really understands. Someone who has to say nothing, but through that silence I know that they still care. I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the fan, water and some music. I was feeling bad and with all the “peaceful” noise blocking out everything around me, I numbed myself completely. Convinced myself that I deserved the pain. I cut my stomach, my side and hip all on the right side. I felt nothing, but a few minutes afterwards my body began to shake and I could suddenly feel an extreme burning sensation where I had injured. I spoke with Aaron today, I brushed my side on the stair rail, I let out a quick sigh of pain, and he knew. He simply said, “Please don’t do that again.” And just like every other time, I told him that I wouldn’t. It’s so easy to say that and just change the subject. He never asks why. He never asks how, when or where…he just asks that I never do it again. When will that get old? Even though it was a simple demand on his part, I still felt so bad. He’s always so vocal and talkative, but it seemed that for a brief while I took away who he was. He seemed afraid and helpless. He changed the subject and started talking about going to a club this weekend. I smiled at the subject change, but inside I was angry. I wanted to talk; even if I made absolutely no sense…I wanted to talk with him, but nothing. This is the way it always is…it’s like when I need someone so badly, no one is there. I didn’t ask for anything…I just wanted him to listen to anything that I had to say. I'm feeling everything right now...it's the kind of pain that takes your breath away for a bit. There are few things that I'm good at, and numbing out pain is one of them. This time I want to feel it....I want to actually know what I've done.


I decided to stick around home. I don't know why. Is it best for me? No and yes. I called in yesterday for a training with this job that I"m seeking it only pays 8.25 an hour. If I pass the training, I'll have it. It's not enough, but I'll take it.

Can you hear me cry out to you?

"You are something special to me."

Ugh. The line is getting so damn old to me. If I had a half a penny for every guy that has said that to me, I'd still be a freaking billionaire. Just looking at that line makes me want to vomit. The funny thing about that line is that every guy who has said that to me, or something close to it are the same ones who end up be lame asses. Lack of respect for me, lack of respect for themselves and just pure mean and because of that, at this point, I'm confused as to what that line even means. Is it a cheap pick up line? It doesn't work like that for me. Special as in sex object special, is that it? I think so. The majority of these guys fail to realize that I am also a thinking object. In fact, I overthink. So after the first two dogs quoted that to me, I caught on, but I'm still hearing it. Is there something wrong with me?

From what I gather, the guys who say that to me:

1. Expect me to put out, like immediately.
2. Are obsessed with my breasts/ass.
3. Are actually 28 years old and above.
4. Clearly don't believe in personal space.
5. Treat me like a prized object, in a very negative way.
6. Are obsessive.

Well, it's old and I'm really tired of the line. In fact, if a guy says it, I'm at the point of just getting up and walking away. I can honestly see me getting married, and if my husband were to say it, I'd file for a divorce the very next time. In my head, you are special to me, sounds like "FIRE! FIRE!", and of course, when there's a fire, you haul ass.

I chime in, haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?

Yesterday, on a desperate whim, I attended a job fair. I have never felt so out of place in my entire life. The jobs that were in attendance were so freaking rude it made me sick. After being there only a few minutes, I was ready to leave, but I pushed myself to visit more booths. The visiting employers ignored people, they gave shallow information, and they just weren’t communicating well with people. The advertising for this job fair said that interviews would be given on site and resumes would be collected. People weren’t giving interviews, they weren’t even communicating with visitors. I brushed off the attitude and started asking if they were taking resumes, and I managed to give out ten to some reputable companies. I gave my resume, phone number and email; I’m only hoping they contact me. A lady offered me a job, cleaning a parking lot. I looked at her with my mouth open in complete shock. On the tip of my tongue I wanted to say, “You clean a fucking parking lot!” I told her that I have a college degree, and I do not know of any college grads who are cleaning parking lots. “Well you have to get your foot in somewhere.” I’m sorry, but I am not going to start that low with a $30,000 a year education. Come on.

I’ve emailed the president of the college that hosted the job fair. I told him that next year; a better screening of the companies needs to take place. The employers refused to even stand up to speak with you unless you mentioned that you held a college degree, once people realized that they were standing up, shaking my hand, congratulating me and all kinds of positive reinforcement, but I was still being offered no count jobs. I felt very welcomed by the staff of Wishard Hospital; the guy told me that I had more going for me than what was being offered at the job fair. He suggested returning to college for a master degree in special education/English so I could teach.

I went to the FBI booth for kicks. “You’d have to go through a boot training program for these jobs here…” I looked at him, “I’m not pointing at field jobs, I’m pointing to the list of office work.” He started laughing and said, “Well you’d be surprised at how fast people can run and if carrying a gun would be an issue with you, we do offer office work and in most cases they are the highest paying jobs…”

I am currently working with a survey company, still working through the training, but it’s not enough pay, and it’s not really what I’m looking for.

This doesn’t make any sense to me. People are far too careless. Moving from the Meadows to Amber Woods, a neighborhood no better than the Meadows, but in comparison it would appear to be A list. She felt that she was making the best of changes for her life and the lives of her three children, three hours later she’s murdered during a dispute that she wasn’t even involved in. She was seven months pregnant. I asked my mom how the baby was doing, in my mind it just seems unreal that the baby didn’t survive at seven months.