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Fifth pill. Today I ate a 1/2 cup of noodles, four small pieces of baked fish, string cheese and I had a Green Tea drink...lots and lots of water. Feels good. In five days I can already see a difference with my body. I can see a difference, my clothes fit differently and I just feel different. I am in love with this. Not diet pills, they are simply appetite suppressants, I like that.
Last night, early this morning...I don't really know what the hell happened. Things were going great, beauitfully and then I guess some words triggered unwanted thoughts and feelings, that happens far too much. Those words, thoughts and feelings caused me to react in negatively and I don't know what it is...but sometimes I feel that he's in my head. It would be easier to lie to you if you weren't in my fucking head always knowing the truth. And then it seemed that a bad choice of actions made everything worse. I flipped out and my body began to tremble. Out of fear, anger and frustration. I'm sure the mix of benzos didn't make anything any better. It was like coming down from that and dealing with the bullshit at hand took it's toll. I was in bed at 9am just looking at the cieling and playing with my dog who decided her bed was my chest. My little sister called at 10am telling me to unlock the door...my patience was thin and I wasn't just going to leave the door unlocked. I called her back within minutes and said, "If you don't come in the house, you are going to have to jump the fucking fence." She came in. I went back up to our room and she came up talking about her upcoming Dior shopping spree. What the hell? I don't give a shit about Dior, I can't express that enough. My big sister called to bitch about her ex...she's pissed. It's funny how our moods and ups and downs are always pretty much the same. She told me that she went to visit him so he could give her some money for diapers...he only gave her twenty bucks. Cheap ass. She said that she told him, "You fucking make me sick." and with that she faked a puke session beside him. One of her other kids noticed what she was doing and blurted out, "Auntie does that all the time too!" You learn something about people. I've known the girl all of my life and I never knew she had an obsession with the dramatic fake puke. It always gets the message across or people just think you've completely lost your mind. The hours passed, and I'm still petting the dog and gazing into space. My mind was too wired to sleep. Then my mom came in bitching and talking about god knows what...I can honestly say that she talked to me for an hour and the only thing that I could repeat would be "The..." and I'm not even sure that she said that, I'm only assuming because everyone says it at some point as they are having a discussion. This day has been a complete daze. I'm sure it's a mixture of bullshit that makes it that way, I'm not sure. I've done so much, but still I feel that I've done nothing. Sometimes I hate my reactions...it's like I just shut down until something says that everything is okay.
I've been packing for about five hours now, it seems that I'll never finish. It's not like I'm taking some grand super vacation, but I still want everything to be in order and prepared. Nothing else is in order, it only makes sense that I can make the contents of this large ass duffle bag perfect. I'm sure I'll forget something, it always happens. *sighs*
Last night, early this morning...I don't really know what the hell happened. Things were going great, beauitfully and then I guess some words triggered unwanted thoughts and feelings, that happens far too much. Those words, thoughts and feelings caused me to react in negatively and I don't know what it is...but sometimes I feel that he's in my head. It would be easier to lie to you if you weren't in my fucking head always knowing the truth. And then it seemed that a bad choice of actions made everything worse. I flipped out and my body began to tremble. Out of fear, anger and frustration. I'm sure the mix of benzos didn't make anything any better. It was like coming down from that and dealing with the bullshit at hand took it's toll. I was in bed at 9am just looking at the cieling and playing with my dog who decided her bed was my chest. My little sister called at 10am telling me to unlock the door...my patience was thin and I wasn't just going to leave the door unlocked. I called her back within minutes and said, "If you don't come in the house, you are going to have to jump the fucking fence." She came in. I went back up to our room and she came up talking about her upcoming Dior shopping spree. What the hell? I don't give a shit about Dior, I can't express that enough. My big sister called to bitch about her ex...she's pissed. It's funny how our moods and ups and downs are always pretty much the same. She told me that she went to visit him so he could give her some money for diapers...he only gave her twenty bucks. Cheap ass. She said that she told him, "You fucking make me sick." and with that she faked a puke session beside him. One of her other kids noticed what she was doing and blurted out, "Auntie does that all the time too!" You learn something about people. I've known the girl all of my life and I never knew she had an obsession with the dramatic fake puke. It always gets the message across or people just think you've completely lost your mind. The hours passed, and I'm still petting the dog and gazing into space. My mind was too wired to sleep. Then my mom came in bitching and talking about god knows what...I can honestly say that she talked to me for an hour and the only thing that I could repeat would be "The..." and I'm not even sure that she said that, I'm only assuming because everyone says it at some point as they are having a discussion. This day has been a complete daze. I'm sure it's a mixture of bullshit that makes it that way, I'm not sure. I've done so much, but still I feel that I've done nothing. Sometimes I hate my reactions...it's like I just shut down until something says that everything is okay.
I've been packing for about five hours now, it seems that I'll never finish. It's not like I'm taking some grand super vacation, but I still want everything to be in order and prepared. Nothing else is in order, it only makes sense that I can make the contents of this large ass duffle bag perfect. I'm sure I'll forget something, it always happens. *sighs*
Labels: diet pills, flashbacks, packing
posted by Silvrrmoon at 9:03 PM
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