I'm going to swim to the ocean floor...

I honestly get so tired of trying to explain myself and my thought process to people. I want people to understand me, especially those who are close to me, but I honestly don't feel like sitting up and explaining things...I have in my mind that everyone should just know, especially if they know me, but I know that this will never be the case...so why do I continue to push people away when they ask what's going on?

I've lost weight...I just have no idea as to how much. My clothes are all fitting differently, which is a good thing. As of now I'm know it's a combination of exercise, less food and the diet pills. I said earlier that I'd only take these fifty and that was it..but apparently that was a lie, and from the beginning I knew that. I guess I was trying to kid myself. So I'm going to purchase three bottles of Hydroxycut and two bottles of Hoodia. I'm going to switch off between the two and continue on with my routine. Why stop now?

A friend was telling me that if I lose weight some guys may not like me anymore. A lot of guys like "healthy" girls because it shows that they can carry and give birth with no problem. Well, to be honest, it hasn't benefited me at all. The guys who like me do like thick girls, but those very guys aren't trying to settle down and have a relationship. They want a fuckship and that's it...They aren't trying to settle down and have a family...they just want a fling, and I'm not down with that. In fact, I'm tired of that...so I'm willing to change whatever it takes to see if it makes a difference. I honestly don't care anymore. So, maybe I'm just self-absorbed...good..for once I'm thinking of me. I'm completely thinking of me. Is there a problem with that? Diet pills kill you? That's a route I'm willing to take...in the end we all die anyway. This isn't sudden...I've been "lame" like this since I was like 14. That was when I had my first diet pills. I liked the results. I liked the comments. But I opted for a safer route, which included exercising, eating very little, fasting or throwing up...it wasn't worth it.

I think, deep inside, I want someone to save me, but then again, I don't want anyone in my way. I feel completely lost and alone. It's like everything that I do is wrong and it continues to be so fucking wrong. It doesn't matter what choice I make, it doesn't matter if it is good and helpful, it's still wrong and I hate that. I hate it so much...I don't feel like I have ahold of anything.

It's a hopeless situation...

Out of all the frustration and confusion around here, I gave in. I gave in. Now I just want someone to sit beside me and hold me, someone who really understands. Someone who has to say nothing, but through that silence I know that they still care. I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the fan, water and some music. I was feeling bad and with all the “peaceful” noise blocking out everything around me, I numbed myself completely. Convinced myself that I deserved the pain. I cut my stomach, my side and hip all on the right side. I felt nothing, but a few minutes afterwards my body began to shake and I could suddenly feel an extreme burning sensation where I had injured. I spoke with Aaron today, I brushed my side on the stair rail, I let out a quick sigh of pain, and he knew. He simply said, “Please don’t do that again.” And just like every other time, I told him that I wouldn’t. It’s so easy to say that and just change the subject. He never asks why. He never asks how, when or where…he just asks that I never do it again. When will that get old? Even though it was a simple demand on his part, I still felt so bad. He’s always so vocal and talkative, but it seemed that for a brief while I took away who he was. He seemed afraid and helpless. He changed the subject and started talking about going to a club this weekend. I smiled at the subject change, but inside I was angry. I wanted to talk; even if I made absolutely no sense…I wanted to talk with him, but nothing. This is the way it always is…it’s like when I need someone so badly, no one is there. I didn’t ask for anything…I just wanted him to listen to anything that I had to say. I'm feeling everything right now...it's the kind of pain that takes your breath away for a bit. There are few things that I'm good at, and numbing out pain is one of them. This time I want to feel it....I want to actually know what I've done.


I decided to stick around home. I don't know why. Is it best for me? No and yes. I called in yesterday for a training with this job that I"m seeking it only pays 8.25 an hour. If I pass the training, I'll have it. It's not enough, but I'll take it.

Can you hear me cry out to you?

"You are something special to me."

Ugh. The line is getting so damn old to me. If I had a half a penny for every guy that has said that to me, I'd still be a freaking billionaire. Just looking at that line makes me want to vomit. The funny thing about that line is that every guy who has said that to me, or something close to it are the same ones who end up be lame asses. Lack of respect for me, lack of respect for themselves and just pure mean and because of that, at this point, I'm confused as to what that line even means. Is it a cheap pick up line? It doesn't work like that for me. Special as in sex object special, is that it? I think so. The majority of these guys fail to realize that I am also a thinking object. In fact, I overthink. So after the first two dogs quoted that to me, I caught on, but I'm still hearing it. Is there something wrong with me?

From what I gather, the guys who say that to me:

1. Expect me to put out, like immediately.
2. Are obsessed with my breasts/ass.
3. Are actually 28 years old and above.
4. Clearly don't believe in personal space.
5. Treat me like a prized object, in a very negative way.
6. Are obsessive.

Well, it's old and I'm really tired of the line. In fact, if a guy says it, I'm at the point of just getting up and walking away. I can honestly see me getting married, and if my husband were to say it, I'd file for a divorce the very next time. In my head, you are special to me, sounds like "FIRE! FIRE!", and of course, when there's a fire, you haul ass.

I chime in, haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?

Yesterday, on a desperate whim, I attended a job fair. I have never felt so out of place in my entire life. The jobs that were in attendance were so freaking rude it made me sick. After being there only a few minutes, I was ready to leave, but I pushed myself to visit more booths. The visiting employers ignored people, they gave shallow information, and they just weren’t communicating well with people. The advertising for this job fair said that interviews would be given on site and resumes would be collected. People weren’t giving interviews, they weren’t even communicating with visitors. I brushed off the attitude and started asking if they were taking resumes, and I managed to give out ten to some reputable companies. I gave my resume, phone number and email; I’m only hoping they contact me. A lady offered me a job, cleaning a parking lot. I looked at her with my mouth open in complete shock. On the tip of my tongue I wanted to say, “You clean a fucking parking lot!” I told her that I have a college degree, and I do not know of any college grads who are cleaning parking lots. “Well you have to get your foot in somewhere.” I’m sorry, but I am not going to start that low with a $30,000 a year education. Come on.

I’ve emailed the president of the college that hosted the job fair. I told him that next year; a better screening of the companies needs to take place. The employers refused to even stand up to speak with you unless you mentioned that you held a college degree, once people realized that they were standing up, shaking my hand, congratulating me and all kinds of positive reinforcement, but I was still being offered no count jobs. I felt very welcomed by the staff of Wishard Hospital; the guy told me that I had more going for me than what was being offered at the job fair. He suggested returning to college for a master degree in special education/English so I could teach.

I went to the FBI booth for kicks. “You’d have to go through a boot training program for these jobs here…” I looked at him, “I’m not pointing at field jobs, I’m pointing to the list of office work.” He started laughing and said, “Well you’d be surprised at how fast people can run and if carrying a gun would be an issue with you, we do offer office work and in most cases they are the highest paying jobs…”

I am currently working with a survey company, still working through the training, but it’s not enough pay, and it’s not really what I’m looking for.

This doesn’t make any sense to me. People are far too careless. Moving from the Meadows to Amber Woods, a neighborhood no better than the Meadows, but in comparison it would appear to be A list. She felt that she was making the best of changes for her life and the lives of her three children, three hours later she’s murdered during a dispute that she wasn’t even involved in. She was seven months pregnant. I asked my mom how the baby was doing, in my mind it just seems unreal that the baby didn’t survive at seven months.

Lift me up love....everyday.

Yay for me, I've managed to find some wireless floating around, no, seriously. Sad thing is that the connection is so weak it doesn't count for much. Right now I am freezing my ass off, seriously. It's so freaking cold and of course I have no jacket. For the past few days I haven't taken my diet pills, I wanted to see if I could manage on my own, and I'm doing good. I'm not sure if diet pills have long life once inside the body, but I'm assuming they don't...I mean a two day life I can imagine, but anything after that, no.

My mom got in touch with me a few days ago and said that she wanted to help me find a job. Yay, right? But all of sudden, what's in it for her? I'm not feeling that this is out of the kindness of her heart. It's been too long. Almost a year has gone by and no matter where I apply, I get nothing. I got a call from Lowes, I returned the call, but I got nothing back...but the reality of it is, I don't want to work at Lowes. I REALLY don't want to work there, as in, if I did I'd go in to work and cry everyday. Cry my flippin' eyes out. The job at the library would have been perfect, at 13$ an hour, but they never called me back, neither did the three leasing agencies. Kinda makes you bitter after a while. I'm glad to say that I've gotten a lot of rejection letters in the mail, I guess that's a sweet thing to do, right? Yeah...right. I was taught that you are supposed to respond to those letters, what for? "Thank you for not hiring me. I needed the job, I wanted the job, but you obviously couldn't see that. Hold on to my resume just in case you have future openings." I mean seriously, what the hell would you say?

In five months my locs will be a year old. Why does that excite me? Maybe it's because I have absolutely nothing else going on in my life so I can could the growth of my locs. Lame. So very lame.

First born unicorn, hardcore soft porn...

Fifth pill. Today I ate a 1/2 cup of noodles, four small pieces of baked fish, string cheese and I had a Green Tea drink...lots and lots of water. Feels good. In five days I can already see a difference with my body. I can see a difference, my clothes fit differently and I just feel different. I am in love with this. Not diet pills, they are simply appetite suppressants, I like that.

Last night, early this morning...I don't really know what the hell happened. Things were going great, beauitfully and then I guess some words triggered unwanted thoughts and feelings, that happens far too much. Those words, thoughts and feelings caused me to react in negatively and I don't know what it is...but sometimes I feel that he's in my head. It would be easier to lie to you if you weren't in my fucking head always knowing the truth. And then it seemed that a bad choice of actions made everything worse. I flipped out and my body began to tremble. Out of fear, anger and frustration. I'm sure the mix of benzos didn't make anything any better. It was like coming down from that and dealing with the bullshit at hand took it's toll. I was in bed at 9am just looking at the cieling and playing with my dog who decided her bed was my chest. My little sister called at 10am telling me to unlock the door...my patience was thin and I wasn't just going to leave the door unlocked. I called her back within minutes and said, "If you don't come in the house, you are going to have to jump the fucking fence." She came in. I went back up to our room and she came up talking about her upcoming Dior shopping spree. What the hell? I don't give a shit about Dior, I can't express that enough. My big sister called to bitch about her ex...she's pissed. It's funny how our moods and ups and downs are always pretty much the same. She told me that she went to visit him so he could give her some money for diapers...he only gave her twenty bucks. Cheap ass. She said that she told him, "You fucking make me sick." and with that she faked a puke session beside him. One of her other kids noticed what she was doing and blurted out, "Auntie does that all the time too!" You learn something about people. I've known the girl all of my life and I never knew she had an obsession with the dramatic fake puke. It always gets the message across or people just think you've completely lost your mind. The hours passed, and I'm still petting the dog and gazing into space. My mind was too wired to sleep. Then my mom came in bitching and talking about god knows what...I can honestly say that she talked to me for an hour and the only thing that I could repeat would be "The..." and I'm not even sure that she said that, I'm only assuming because everyone says it at some point as they are having a discussion. This day has been a complete daze. I'm sure it's a mixture of bullshit that makes it that way, I'm not sure. I've done so much, but still I feel that I've done nothing. Sometimes I hate my reactions...it's like I just shut down until something says that everything is okay.

I've been packing for about five hours now, it seems that I'll never finish. It's not like I'm taking some grand super vacation, but I still want everything to be in order and prepared. Nothing else is in order, it only makes sense that I can make the contents of this large ass duffle bag perfect. I'm sure I'll forget something, it always happens. *sighs*

One sip of the blood that I found...

What the fuck was I thinking? Benzo cocktail? Some little back alley creation that only he could come up with. Benzos and coffee. I guess this is a what it's like to be near a caffeine OD. Is that possible? I sure in the hell feel like it. I don't drink coffee anyway, so maybe that was one of my mistakes. I just spent nearly half an hour standing outside in the cold rain, shaking and sweating. My hands are trembling. I'm so energetic I feel like I could take a couple of laps around the entire fucking world. I figure I can flush my system out with water...water and lots of fucking water. I don't know how truthful that is, but it seems reasonable. It's an okay feeling...but there's no fucking space around here for this.

Think it's time to realize....

Took the fourth pill today. Yay. And on top of that I can remember everything that I've eaten. Four pieces of small shrimp, two noodles, string cheese (80cals) and Raisin Bran with milk correctly measured out at 230cals. I feel grand. No seriously. There's just something really awesome about actually having this type of control.

I'll be going to Ali's house soon...I've no idea as to how long I'm going to be staying there. Three weeks, maybe well past April 24, I don't know....she's moving and it may just be easier for me to stick around to help her pack. I'm excited that I get to help out with my babies, and help her with some homework...that's always cool. I hate that I only got the call from Lowes, I called back to make an appointment...they said the lady wasn't in, so they'd call me back...no calls yet. Nothing. Pisses me off...I was ready to go in and have the interview, but the other end clearly let me down. Now what? I get so impatient. Anyway, heading to my sister's place is going to be a good thing...it will help me get away from here.

When the world ends, collect your things you're coming with me...

It feels good to be cared for and appreciated...even if it's from afar. You say that you love me, but I can't wait to ask you face to face why you even care. Sometimes I feel that you desire me only because you love my body. In love with my body doesn't make you in love with me. How do you really feel for me? Would you really be as caring as gentle with me as you seem to be? Would you really be willing to listen and satisfy me? I think I'm falling for you. I'd by lying if I said that I weren't. I need to be with you...just to know for sure.

Veet works. That stuff has been out for may 2-3 years, maybe more, I don't know for sure. My sister got some a few days ago and I decided to see if it would actually work. It does, very nicely in fact. The only thing is that there's no way that you can use it in the tub or shower. This is why women are forced to stroll/lounge around either in tiny shorts and tank tops or nude. You have to wait 3-6 minutes with this thick cream on before it actually begins to work. And it seems to be pretty much like Nair, which means, getting the cream wet before it has time to settle would be a bad idea.

I've officially taken my third pill. As with each pill I down an 8 oz glass of water, but to be on the safe side, I take in 16 oz's. In the long run paranoia pays off. I took note of what I was feeling today as I ate, and it was fear, which is not unusual at all, but this time I actually allowed myself to notice what I was feeling. I took my second glass of water, and a plate of food, which consisted of turkey burger and a slice of cheese ripped up all tightly wrapped in soft taco bread. I sat there and looked at the food for a while, stood up and grabbed an ice cube for my water. Stalling eh? I took one bite, followed by four more. Five bites total, I took a plate covered up the rest of the food and put it away. I put it away. That makes me so happy. I'll eat the rest of it for my dinner...which will hold me over until tomorrow. I'm a reasonable girl, and because of that I make reasonable goals. My current goal is to work my way from my size 22 jeans back into my size 20 jeans. I'd like to eventually make my way to a 12. Sounds reasonable to me...very reasonable.