This could be heaven...

I decided to take my first diet pill yesterday. It's been so long since I've popped diet pills, now all over again I feel like I've given in to my past. I'm not going to fuck things up this time though. I refuse to let that happen. One bottle. Fifty pills, that's it. Really. March 20...I'll give it two weeks to actually kick in. So, this is either going to be a positive and helpful thing or it's going to lead me right to death...I guess we will see. After these 50 tablets are gone, that's it. No more. I'm going to keep up with the dieting and exercising and see what happens from here. I don't know. It's funny, I know that I am having to sneak these pills around here. My mom would flip, as would my sisters and I don't have time to hear their BS. This is my body, and by right, I can do as I please with it. Sounds really immature I know, but it's the truth. I honestly think these pills are already working though...since I took that one tablet, I've not felt the need to snack on anything, which is strange for me. I'm up all night. All nighters, means snacking all night. Watching tv and exercising. I can't keep doing this to myself. These pills are just a kick start to still my appetite. I know that during these fifty pills I have to get myself together and fly right from that point on. This feels okay.

I got a call from Lowes. They want me to return the call and set up an interview. I don't want to work there, but I've exhausted my options, seriously. I'm going to return the call tomorrow and set up an interview date. I'm not excited because Lowes has absolutely nothing in it for me. I'd rather get a job at Walmart or Target, that way I can at least purchase clothes, personal items, food and home decorating items...Lowes? Pssh...nothing. I guess I can plant some grass in the backyard. But I'm not going to think of it like that. I'm going to think of it for what it is..a job. Not a career. Not a lifestyle. Just a freaking paycheck. Hopefully I'll get the job, I'll save up, check in a nearby hotel for the occasional peace and privacy away from home once a week every month until I can move out. If I get this job, that means that I can most certainly see Eric. I'll get a hotel room, he can visit, and the family can just stay out of my business. I won't have to worry about him coming by and not being able to come in. I won't have to worry about anything, because as far as I'm concerned, they won't even have to know that I'm at the hotel. That's how desperate I am to get some peace from this place. I really want to seem him when he comes up, but for some reason, he doesn't realize that it's not going to happen unless I have a job. Having that money buys me more freedom, and I'll be able to get away. Sweet.