There was this boy who's parents made him come directly home right after school..

Hmm..snacking on a cookie. Yikes.

I got one set of plugs in the mail bright and early this, um,...afternoon today. I slept well after 12pm, so it was most certainly this afternoon. So now I am waiting another lot of 12 plugs and a pair of flesh tunnels. So excited. I haven't put the plugs in yet because I have nothing to clean them with, and even though the seller said they are new and unworn, I still want to take precautions with that.

The sleep was good because I haven't had much of it in the past er, month. I popped in one of my soothing cd's played it one round, I was out.

I am making a month goal, something to work on. There are so many things that I need to work on right now. I guess I want to do so much and change so much all at once, but is that reasonable? I've decided to stop looking at myself in the mirror for hours at a time poking and jabbing at myself while speaking negatively of my flaws. It doesn't help at all. That is what I mentioned to the WLS girls, but I also want to work on my self-injury. I know it can't be helped in a months time, but I want to go a month without it. The WLS girls inspire me and keep me going, and granted they don't really know about the desire to end SI, I think this would be the time to do it. One goal per month, well, I think I want two goals this month. Yeah...I want two goals this month.

I am so over Skye right now. Okay...so I'm not really over him. I'm still upset the way our friendship has turned, but I am trying to get over him. So many years and finally, all of sudden when my life was completely enlighted, I decided that he's not worth my time. He's selfish. I am not one to say that anyone is selfish, I'm willing to give everyone and anyone the benefit of doubt, but not him. Not this time. If I'm not anything to him, so be it. If my problems are only worthy of him to ignore, so be it. I'm not going to have a conversation with someone who can't even respond, I'd rather talk to my dog, at least she wags her fucking tail.

Peace loves...
<3

Black flowers blossom, feathers on my breath

My plugs and flesh tunnels are on the way. Yay, yay, yay! At 10g, they are going to be super tiny...I swear it's going to make me want to go ahead and stretch up to a 2g. I want to so badly, but a 2g is harder to conceal for work. That's the only reason I've gone against certain piercings, because of work, and I don't even have a job yet...so considerate of me right? So I figure I'll go ahead and get the remainder of those piercings after retirement, then I won't have to worry about work, hahahaha! That's great.




CPS: 24
STG: 22
LTG: May 14-16

Day 6

B: 0
L: 120
D: ??
W: 1g

You're out of my mind. Out of my mind...

I'm exhausted....but I can't sleep. I hate that. I absolutely hate it. About two hours ago I found myself purging. It felt horrible, but at the same time, it felt okay. What the hell? My throat hurts, my glands are swollen, my nose hurts. Afterwards my nose bled a bit, and I know it's related. My stomach/sides are killing me and I have a headache, but with all of the pain, I feel okay. I always feel that I've tricked the "system." I'll no longer have sores or scratches on my fingers, haha, I use a spoon or a ink pen. Right. So who wins? No one. It doesn't matter if anyone knows what I'm doing or not...in the end, I'm only hurting myself, and this I know. There's so much satisfaction while tossing food down my throat. A complete feeling. Success. In control...I can control it even further as I get it out of my body as well. I can keep down how much I choose. I can stop when I'm ready. I can stop eating. I can stop getting rid of the food. It's all under my direction. Sometimes we can't control anything in our lives, then we find something that we can control and what happens? We abuse the hell out of it. It's been a while since I've purged, and I only hope that it will be a long time before I feel the need to do it again.

One of my best friends refuse to talk to me anymore...he's stuck on himself. Well, it's not that he refuses to talk to me, he refuses to truly listen to me, so I refuse to talk to him...he is the one who doesn't care anymore. I've always given him my full attention, but anytime that I need to talk, he doesn't want to be there, even if he asks me to open up. I don't want to just let him go, but I feel that I have no other choice...sticking around is frustrating the hell out of me.

I'm freezing.

Momma told me, when I was young sit beside me my only son....

One word: Wii.

So we've had the game system for a few weeks now, but since everyone else around here is "hook things up" challenged, it was never hooked up until I felt like it. Why the hell is that game system so awesome?! It's like a work out. Cha-ching. Golf, tennis, softball, bowling, boxing...so freaking sweet. Seriously. And well, my sister put some Wii Points on that thing and now we have Super Mario. Ha...classic. After playing for an hour, I realized that I actually had some muscle toning going on. Then I thought, I can totally see people playing this game all freaking day. It's possible. Since we have wireless, the system is hooked up to our internet and we can get news/forcast updates. How sweet is that? Seriously, one never has to leave the game. It's like a nonstop workout, break, watch the news...return to gameland. lol I've put away my PS2 for a while. I'll miss my Guitar Hero and Kingdom Hearts, but none of that matters when you have a Wii. All of your favorite games go to dust, temporarily of course.

No snacking tonight, I ate out tonight and that put me way over what I wanted to be over...but that's okay, everything is still under 1000. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.

I don't want to wake up, lost in the dreams of our fathers...

I tried on my size 20's this morning. I can fit them, as usual, but I still have to lie down on the bed to zip them up. So....I don't really consider that a good fit. Don't get me wrong, they look great, but I don't want to have to make my pants fit me...I want to fit them.

I was thinking about writing this great long entry, but in reality, it's just too damn early for that. Okay, yes, it's almost 12pm, but I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted, I'm sleepy and I need to fill out this job application. I need to shower and wash my hair. I'm freezing, so I'd rather ball up under my four blankets again. When it comes to these jobs I get so freaking pathetic, I map out nice apartments in the area before I even have the job, just in case. I think that's a grand idea. Example, this new job that I am seeking out, I've already pinpointed good apartments in the area, like 5 minutes or less from the employment site. One of those apartments are super nice and they don't require that you have a co-signer, but...always a but, they don't have washer and dryers. Gah! That was something that I never wanted to do again after living at home without one for 3 years and then four years in college running up and down the stairs and paying nearly $10 per wash/dry because the machines were so cheap. But no co-signer...I'm not going to be able to pass that up. *sigh* Well, I am either going to go shower, fill out my application or sleep...one or the other.

CPS: 24
STG: 22
LTG: May 14-16

Day 5

B: 60
L: 220
D: 620
W: 3g

Love, love is a verb...

Finally finished with my locs. I think combining them was the best idea right now. I just feel that they'll be better off now. I can't wait until they reach their one year.

I haven't heard back from leasing agent job yet...I'm just going to call it a loss on that one. I mean, yeah, they didn't tell me how long it would take to evaluate the applications and resumes, but still, waiting this long just bothers me. It hasn't been a month...I don't even think it's been four weeks, but still, this wait is just not a good sign. It can't be. There's another job position opening, not too far from here, good benefits. I guess I'll call in and see what's going on with that tomorrow. I hate when they say, "No calls please." How the hell are we supposed to do followups on the resume and hiring process? I mean, with the leasing agent job, I'd like to know where my application is at, I mean, what if the process is just going to take a while, but since I don't realize that, I'm just giving up too soon. Grr...

The restricting is proving to be very beneficial right now. I don't know how much I've lost, I don't really care, I'm not blind...I can see the loss. I exercise every night for two hours so that helps a lot too. So desperately I wanted to get some diet pills. Hydroxycut or Hoodia. Those were the two that I narrowed it down to..but I just can't see me doing that again. If I had true self control, I feel that diet pill/restriction/exercise combo would do me some good, but I don't take diet pills right. I always lose control with them. I can't do that to myself anymore.


CPS: 24
STG: 22
LTG: May 14-16

Day 4

B: 0
L: 140
D: 200
W: 4g

Patience....yeah, yeah...

Yesterday why did I get sick to my stomach? I can retrace my steps of everything that I ate, and nothing could have made me sick...seriously. I felt like I had to puke, and I think it was the dishwashing liquid that I accidentally drank, that sent my stomach over into a major flop. I still feel ill.

Yes, I accidentally drank dishwashing liquid. Someone in this family always tends to use too much dishwashing liquid while washing dishing, or they fail to rinse properly. I was rushing, got a glass of water and bam, before I realized it, I realized I was drinking a frothy, ill flavored drink of orange palmolive. It was like 3am, I wasn't really looking in the glass, and my senses where a bit lazy. Quickly I realized what was going on, I put the glass down, and said to myself, "Damn...I'm going to get sick." Up came the dry heeves, followed by pacing back and forth, denial, refusal to go the toilet, and over a trash can I blew chunks. Yep...then I had to clean it out. eww...

I'm still not finished with my dreads yet. The combining process is taking a while because I'm combining all of them, and well, I didn't get up today until 5pm...so I had a very late start. I was looking in the mirror today and realized that I don't like them looking this thick, but once the crochet combining process has taken place, it's just too damn late to take them apart. Blah...having thicker locks will over course prevent breakage and long hours of palm rolling maintance, but man! I guess I can palm roll them like crazy back into thinness. Blah..

CPS: 24
STG: 22
LTG: May 14-16

Day 3.

B: 140
L: 110
D: 400
W: 3g

Mother, father please explain to me how this world has come to be...

Blah, so I'm sitting here bored as hell, combining my dreadlocks. When I started the locking process months ago, I twisted them too small. I wanted small locks, but goodness, not this tiny. The upkeep is insane since they are so freaking tiny, and I can't find any beads to fit my babies. That's okay, because now they are still super tiny, but medium. Thank goodness for patience, I've been doing this since 4:30pm. It is now 6:01pm and I am nowhere near finished. Combining them not only makes them thicker and stronger, but it straightens them out and adds more length, who would have thunk it?

So, as I've been combining my locks, I've been sitting on my bed looking at the few PS2 games that we own. People were obsessed with Grand Theft Auto, so my brother goes out to get the game. He loves it, I think that is seriously the only game that I've come across that is 100% geared towards guys. I hate the shit out of GTA. I think the game is lame and it has absolutely no point whatsoever. Okay, weee...let's go beat people out of their cars, run down the street, break things, steal things, shoot people, etc, etc. We own the Godfather game, I think it's really sweet compared to GTA, it pretty much has the same thing going on, only there's a point. HA!

I think I'm the only person who bids on Ebay and turns around praying for someone to outbid me. I purchase a lot of things that I need, but without them I'm not going to turn around and die. So really, I don't need them...it's just an extreme selfish want, that ultimately tears me apart inside. So I've won some plugs, which is nice. I've been wanting some 10g plugs for a while now, and I guess I finally have some. They look decent. No fossilized bugs in the middle, they don't look like bullets, flames, skulls, or god knows what else. Just regular flat head plugs with O-rings. Then I bid on a flesh tunnel, days ago, I figured someone would have outbid me by now, but I'm not so lucky. Drat! I'll live, they don't cost much, and like I've wanted plugs, I've wanted flesh tunnels. I have plenty of CBR's and horseshoes, I needed to add something different to my body jewelry collection.

I've been listening to Mother, Father since 4pm. I <3 this song too much. It's disturbing. Dave Matthews kicks ass. The song is pretty, yet deep and emotional at the same time. Makes me want to scream. It's like all those "Why?" questions that people want to know.

Mother, father please explain to me...

CPS: 24

STG: 22

LTG: May 14-16

Day 2.

B: 140

L: 140

D: 910

W: 5g

It was an evening I shared with the sun, to find out where we belong.

So, it's almost been a year since my last update. I created this blog, and I guess I quickly fell out of touch with it. I was in college, I guess facebook and myspace were so much more important then. Ha. Well, now I'm back. Good for you all because I love to write and bitch about the unfortunate events in my life. I'm not a selfish person, and maybe I need to be. No one is going to be selfish and self-centered for you, right? So you have to do it for yourself. This journal will be about me, and things in my life. I listen to everyone and offer to help so much, but there's never anyone available to me. Or better yet, they offer to help/listen and just shove me off in the end. Fuck that. Or...wait, what is the sensorship like around here? Should I say fvck that? Who the hell...heck cares. I guess I'll find out sooner or later. What provoked me to start this up again, not just the advice of some friends a while back, but because of last night I was venting to a friend. He asked me to, and what the hell happens, "Well, I hope things get sorted out for you." I'm sitting there thinking, "What the fuck is that?" I spill my guts out to you, because you asked. And god forbid I feel comfortable enough to do that. I'm venting and venting, and in the process I'm trying not to wig out...and all you have to say is "Well, I hope things get sorted out for you??" That's it?? Why did I feel that he didn't listen to a damn thing that I said? So badly I wanted to ask him to repeat one thing that I said and I know that he would not have been able to. I listen to him and his stupid lame ass girl problems, and for once he can't spare thirty minutes to actually listen to me? Fuck that...fuck him. For the record I get angry very easily.

Pay no attention to the numbers that will follow each entry. They hold no significant importance. None whatsoever.


CPS: 24
STG: 22
LTG: May 14-16

Day 1.

B: 0
L: 140
D: 360
W: 4g