Lift me up love....everyday.

Yay for me, I've managed to find some wireless floating around, no, seriously. Sad thing is that the connection is so weak it doesn't count for much. Right now I am freezing my ass off, seriously. It's so freaking cold and of course I have no jacket. For the past few days I haven't taken my diet pills, I wanted to see if I could manage on my own, and I'm doing good. I'm not sure if diet pills have long life once inside the body, but I'm assuming they don't...I mean a two day life I can imagine, but anything after that, no.

My mom got in touch with me a few days ago and said that she wanted to help me find a job. Yay, right? But all of sudden, what's in it for her? I'm not feeling that this is out of the kindness of her heart. It's been too long. Almost a year has gone by and no matter where I apply, I get nothing. I got a call from Lowes, I returned the call, but I got nothing back...but the reality of it is, I don't want to work at Lowes. I REALLY don't want to work there, as in, if I did I'd go in to work and cry everyday. Cry my flippin' eyes out. The job at the library would have been perfect, at 13$ an hour, but they never called me back, neither did the three leasing agencies. Kinda makes you bitter after a while. I'm glad to say that I've gotten a lot of rejection letters in the mail, I guess that's a sweet thing to do, right? Yeah...right. I was taught that you are supposed to respond to those letters, what for? "Thank you for not hiring me. I needed the job, I wanted the job, but you obviously couldn't see that. Hold on to my resume just in case you have future openings." I mean seriously, what the hell would you say?

In five months my locs will be a year old. Why does that excite me? Maybe it's because I have absolutely nothing else going on in my life so I can could the growth of my locs. Lame. So very lame.

First born unicorn, hardcore soft porn...

Fifth pill. Today I ate a 1/2 cup of noodles, four small pieces of baked fish, string cheese and I had a Green Tea drink...lots and lots of water. Feels good. In five days I can already see a difference with my body. I can see a difference, my clothes fit differently and I just feel different. I am in love with this. Not diet pills, they are simply appetite suppressants, I like that.

Last night, early this morning...I don't really know what the hell happened. Things were going great, beauitfully and then I guess some words triggered unwanted thoughts and feelings, that happens far too much. Those words, thoughts and feelings caused me to react in negatively and I don't know what it is...but sometimes I feel that he's in my head. It would be easier to lie to you if you weren't in my fucking head always knowing the truth. And then it seemed that a bad choice of actions made everything worse. I flipped out and my body began to tremble. Out of fear, anger and frustration. I'm sure the mix of benzos didn't make anything any better. It was like coming down from that and dealing with the bullshit at hand took it's toll. I was in bed at 9am just looking at the cieling and playing with my dog who decided her bed was my chest. My little sister called at 10am telling me to unlock the door...my patience was thin and I wasn't just going to leave the door unlocked. I called her back within minutes and said, "If you don't come in the house, you are going to have to jump the fucking fence." She came in. I went back up to our room and she came up talking about her upcoming Dior shopping spree. What the hell? I don't give a shit about Dior, I can't express that enough. My big sister called to bitch about her ex...she's pissed. It's funny how our moods and ups and downs are always pretty much the same. She told me that she went to visit him so he could give her some money for diapers...he only gave her twenty bucks. Cheap ass. She said that she told him, "You fucking make me sick." and with that she faked a puke session beside him. One of her other kids noticed what she was doing and blurted out, "Auntie does that all the time too!" You learn something about people. I've known the girl all of my life and I never knew she had an obsession with the dramatic fake puke. It always gets the message across or people just think you've completely lost your mind. The hours passed, and I'm still petting the dog and gazing into space. My mind was too wired to sleep. Then my mom came in bitching and talking about god knows what...I can honestly say that she talked to me for an hour and the only thing that I could repeat would be "The..." and I'm not even sure that she said that, I'm only assuming because everyone says it at some point as they are having a discussion. This day has been a complete daze. I'm sure it's a mixture of bullshit that makes it that way, I'm not sure. I've done so much, but still I feel that I've done nothing. Sometimes I hate my reactions...it's like I just shut down until something says that everything is okay.

I've been packing for about five hours now, it seems that I'll never finish. It's not like I'm taking some grand super vacation, but I still want everything to be in order and prepared. Nothing else is in order, it only makes sense that I can make the contents of this large ass duffle bag perfect. I'm sure I'll forget something, it always happens. *sighs*

One sip of the blood that I found...

What the fuck was I thinking? Benzo cocktail? Some little back alley creation that only he could come up with. Benzos and coffee. I guess this is a what it's like to be near a caffeine OD. Is that possible? I sure in the hell feel like it. I don't drink coffee anyway, so maybe that was one of my mistakes. I just spent nearly half an hour standing outside in the cold rain, shaking and sweating. My hands are trembling. I'm so energetic I feel like I could take a couple of laps around the entire fucking world. I figure I can flush my system out with water...water and lots of fucking water. I don't know how truthful that is, but it seems reasonable. It's an okay feeling...but there's no fucking space around here for this.

Think it's time to realize....

Took the fourth pill today. Yay. And on top of that I can remember everything that I've eaten. Four pieces of small shrimp, two noodles, string cheese (80cals) and Raisin Bran with milk correctly measured out at 230cals. I feel grand. No seriously. There's just something really awesome about actually having this type of control.

I'll be going to Ali's house soon...I've no idea as to how long I'm going to be staying there. Three weeks, maybe well past April 24, I don't know....she's moving and it may just be easier for me to stick around to help her pack. I'm excited that I get to help out with my babies, and help her with some homework...that's always cool. I hate that I only got the call from Lowes, I called back to make an appointment...they said the lady wasn't in, so they'd call me back...no calls yet. Nothing. Pisses me off...I was ready to go in and have the interview, but the other end clearly let me down. Now what? I get so impatient. Anyway, heading to my sister's place is going to be a good thing...it will help me get away from here.

When the world ends, collect your things you're coming with me...

It feels good to be cared for and appreciated...even if it's from afar. You say that you love me, but I can't wait to ask you face to face why you even care. Sometimes I feel that you desire me only because you love my body. In love with my body doesn't make you in love with me. How do you really feel for me? Would you really be as caring as gentle with me as you seem to be? Would you really be willing to listen and satisfy me? I think I'm falling for you. I'd by lying if I said that I weren't. I need to be with you...just to know for sure.

Veet works. That stuff has been out for may 2-3 years, maybe more, I don't know for sure. My sister got some a few days ago and I decided to see if it would actually work. It does, very nicely in fact. The only thing is that there's no way that you can use it in the tub or shower. This is why women are forced to stroll/lounge around either in tiny shorts and tank tops or nude. You have to wait 3-6 minutes with this thick cream on before it actually begins to work. And it seems to be pretty much like Nair, which means, getting the cream wet before it has time to settle would be a bad idea.

I've officially taken my third pill. As with each pill I down an 8 oz glass of water, but to be on the safe side, I take in 16 oz's. In the long run paranoia pays off. I took note of what I was feeling today as I ate, and it was fear, which is not unusual at all, but this time I actually allowed myself to notice what I was feeling. I took my second glass of water, and a plate of food, which consisted of turkey burger and a slice of cheese ripped up all tightly wrapped in soft taco bread. I sat there and looked at the food for a while, stood up and grabbed an ice cube for my water. Stalling eh? I took one bite, followed by four more. Five bites total, I took a plate covered up the rest of the food and put it away. I put it away. That makes me so happy. I'll eat the rest of it for my dinner...which will hold me over until tomorrow. I'm a reasonable girl, and because of that I make reasonable goals. My current goal is to work my way from my size 22 jeans back into my size 20 jeans. I'd like to eventually make my way to a 12. Sounds reasonable to me...very reasonable.

Watch you fade away, fade away...

Today I went out with my sister and her baby. It was nice. I enjoy spending time with her because I feel like we are catching up on everything that we missed out on when we were younger. It's nice. We went out to eat, went shopping for the baby and just talked. It feels good talking with someone who is going to understand and someone who is not going to be judgemental. I enjoy that.

I took the second pill today...I really already feel a difference. I figured I'd have to wait two weeks, but I honestly guess not. It's not major, but my appetite has already deminished. I bet I could probably take any pill and say that it was a diet pill, psych my brain out and it would probably work. Like a placebo or something. Whatever, all I know is that I'm feeling okay. For once I don't feel that I'm at war with food. I can serve myself a little, eat a little and walk away without being hungry. I'm sitting here bored, and I don't feel that I have to stuff my face to get rid of the boredom. I'm sad right now..I'm depressed and angry, but I'm not trying to eat my sorrows away. I'm just sitting here. I'm not even hungry. Compared to what I'm usually feeling...it's like the urge to eat just completely takes over my body...for once I'm okay. For once I don't feel like I'm dying from some imagined hunger.

This could be heaven...

I decided to take my first diet pill yesterday. It's been so long since I've popped diet pills, now all over again I feel like I've given in to my past. I'm not going to fuck things up this time though. I refuse to let that happen. One bottle. Fifty pills, that's it. Really. March 20...I'll give it two weeks to actually kick in. So, this is either going to be a positive and helpful thing or it's going to lead me right to death...I guess we will see. After these 50 tablets are gone, that's it. No more. I'm going to keep up with the dieting and exercising and see what happens from here. I don't know. It's funny, I know that I am having to sneak these pills around here. My mom would flip, as would my sisters and I don't have time to hear their BS. This is my body, and by right, I can do as I please with it. Sounds really immature I know, but it's the truth. I honestly think these pills are already working though...since I took that one tablet, I've not felt the need to snack on anything, which is strange for me. I'm up all night. All nighters, means snacking all night. Watching tv and exercising. I can't keep doing this to myself. These pills are just a kick start to still my appetite. I know that during these fifty pills I have to get myself together and fly right from that point on. This feels okay.

I got a call from Lowes. They want me to return the call and set up an interview. I don't want to work there, but I've exhausted my options, seriously. I'm going to return the call tomorrow and set up an interview date. I'm not excited because Lowes has absolutely nothing in it for me. I'd rather get a job at Walmart or Target, that way I can at least purchase clothes, personal items, food and home decorating items...Lowes? Pssh...nothing. I guess I can plant some grass in the backyard. But I'm not going to think of it like that. I'm going to think of it for what it is..a job. Not a career. Not a lifestyle. Just a freaking paycheck. Hopefully I'll get the job, I'll save up, check in a nearby hotel for the occasional peace and privacy away from home once a week every month until I can move out. If I get this job, that means that I can most certainly see Eric. I'll get a hotel room, he can visit, and the family can just stay out of my business. I won't have to worry about him coming by and not being able to come in. I won't have to worry about anything, because as far as I'm concerned, they won't even have to know that I'm at the hotel. That's how desperate I am to get some peace from this place. I really want to seem him when he comes up, but for some reason, he doesn't realize that it's not going to happen unless I have a job. Having that money buys me more freedom, and I'll be able to get away. Sweet.

Protege Moi

Today, I only consumed 380cals. It causes such a grand feeling within me, complete euphoria. The less I consume, the better I feel. It's like automatic weight loss, but I know that's not true, but why deny the feeling? It's like I continue with doing nothing right, but I can certainly restrict my food intake. It keeps me focused on something else. So, yeah, go ahead and don't call me back for an interview. Don't review my application...I honestly don't give a fuck, I have something else to do. I'll be a lazy cunt, hang out with friends and restrict, restrict, restrict. But for what it's worth, I really would like a phone call. *sigh*

He likes me for me, but I don't like me...so we will see where this is going to go. Things would probably be different if I was away from home and living my own life. I don't feel like sneaking around to do anything, it gets boring and it takes the pazazz out of anything great. He can't realize that. Even though we are so much alike, I feel that we are living on two different worlds because in reality, we are just that different.

I'm not a shoulder to cry on, but I digress..

So..as usual I'm doing things ass backwards. I've not found a job yet, but I have a list of apartments. Why not be prepared? So I'll get hired somewhere, and then I'll move out in a month. Or I'll just roll over and die of disapointment. Either way, one or the other. I've found some really nice one bedroom floorplans from simple apartments to lofts...very nice from price range of $350-$500. That's my limit with one bedrooms. I've found two bedrooms, just in case my sister would like to move in with me from 500-700. Some of those include more of what I'd like such as washer and dryer connection or W/D included, two full baths, or one full and a half. I'm not finding good deals on utilites in this area, but that's okay...anything cheaper and I'll be living in the slums, which I'd rather not. Why am I so afraid of living alone? I ask myself that nearly everyday and I have no idea. I can't do it...I don't trust the world enough to live on my own. I think financially, after I get a job, I could handle it, I just don't think I'm smart enough to live on my own. And then I have then I'm completely afraid of the dark...I can handle it if I'm not by myself. It's not the "monsters or boogey men under the bed" type fear, it's just unrational and I truly have no idea where it comes from. Anyway, I've applied, and there's no way for me to contact these people for further details, so I guess I'll just continue to wait, check my professional email, check phone messages, cross my fingers and continue to apply elsewhere. I really have no choice. Grr...but you know, if everything fails, I still have a nice selection of apartments to keep my hopes up.

One million miles away...

My dreads have grown a lot within these seven months, which is really not that weird because everyone's hair grows so much per month. They are officially at that teenager stage, and damn is it weird. That is what makes them a pain in the arse. I swear each dread has tightened up at a different pace, so my hair comes in all different lengths, so it's nearly impossible to get it up in a ponytail right now. I could, but it doesn't look decent, so I'm keeping my locs down. Once they reach a year I'm planning on adding color to them and maybe adding in some permanent dread extenders...they'll have more length, and I won't have to wait for them to grow, which means professional looking bun type hairstyles. I haven't figured out the color just yet, maybe a dark red or blond tips, which would look awesome. But the all over red may be the color that I settle for in the end. I don't want to take an extreme route such as fire engine red or purple, although I'd love to...maybe even add in some pink, but at this point it's really not my choice unless I end up with a badass job working from home....and I doubt that will happen. I've been told that I could have added color when they were just five months along, but I didn't feel that they were tight enough. Now it's seven months, and I know they are tight enough, but I still feel that it is too early. I can see me getting tired of the dreads in a years worth of time, so the hair dye and extenders will be a way for me to renew my style. Anyway, after my washing my locs today my sister said, "Um, it's time for maintanence." It's clear to see that she only likes the super manicured dreadlocks, personally I wasn't trying to take the professional dreadlock route, that can get pretty expensive. And when people originally had dreadlocks, trust me, they weren't manicured. I wash them every 2-3 days, palmroll, tighten the roots, add moisturizer and rip them apart if they begin to grow together. I wanted to keep them as free of hair products as possible, no wax, gel or pomade, just light natural oils every now and then. As far as I'm concerned, they look delicious!

This is why I'm hot..

Body: What Your Music Says About You
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating!
____________________________________________________
What does next year have in store for me?
Dead Man Walking: Pearl Jam

What's my love life like?
Fable: Robert Miles

What do I say when life gets tough?
With Teeth: Nine Inch Nails

What do u think of on waking up?
Landslide: Smashing Pumpkins Cover

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Who Wants to Live Forever: Breaking Benjamin Cover

What do you want as a career?
Low Light: Pearl Jam

Your favourite saying?
Tripping Billies: Dave Matthews

Favourite place?
This Is How I Disappear: My Chemical Romance

What do you think of your parents?
The Suffering: Coheed and Cambria

What's your Pornstar name?
Refuge: Matisyahu

Where would you go on a first date?
When Doves Cry: Prince

Drug of choice?
Spiders: System of a Down

Describe yourself:
Gold Dust Woman: Stevie Nicks

What is the thing i like doing most?
Praise for the Mother: Hildegard von Bingen

The song that best describes my school principal?
Good Pain: Live

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Sullen Girl: Fiona Apple

How will I die?
Kitty: Presidents of the United States

I can't escape falling down this time...

My plugs came in today. Yay. I got a pair of black ones, which is really cool. The arrival of my plugs are pretty extreme because everything else in my life blows right now. My student loans have gladly come back to haunt me..or beat me, whichever sounds more brutal. Maybe I could just stop at student loans. I was told even before going into school that I'd only have to pay back $15 or so a month, I don't know what the hell I was thinking, but that sounded reasonable to me. Ha fucking Ha. My loan payment is pretty close to $400 a month. I still owe the school about 3,000 and I don't have a job. So what does that mean? I keep getting mail, requesting pay and without a job I have nothing. Only now does it make sense to me...poor people shouldn't get an education. I haven't benefitted from it at all, and now I'm so fucking in debt I can't even begin to think of what is going to happen to me. When I get a job, how am I going to live alone when my loan payment will be the equivilant of living in a single, effeciency or the projects? WTF?! I'm delirious with anger. Up until high school I had this strange idea that I would do whatever I wanted to do...how fucking wrong was that? All of my dreams have been crushed by living everyone else's dreams. If it were up to me I would have NEVER gone to college. I would have never wasted my time, but my mom wanted that. I went. I graduated with honors and I don't even get a fucking thank you. I honestly didn't do that for myself. Now I'm going into debt and soon the collection agencies will be after me, and I get no help. No support. No nothing. But I can look at myself and say, "You are such a stupid bitch." I should have done my research, and I would have known that payment wouldn't have been $15 a month. Now I'm falling deeper into a depression because of this silly ass money issue and everyone thinks I'm just being dramatic. I'm sorry...I'm not being dramatic...who the fuck is going to pay these bills? At this rate, not me. I'm going to leave here and be homeless. See where education gets you kids? Nowhere.

Mother, mother, how's the family?

I realized earlier today that I missed a friend's birthday...last month. Damn. His birthday was Feb. 23. Not only did I miss it, but it completely slipped my mind. I feel horrible. Since the murder of my friend in Feb. 2005 and the death of another in Feb. 2005, I think I've not been myself at all. Everything is okay one minute, and the next you get a call hearing that someone's been shot seven times. You hear your mom crying in the background, and the thought of your nephews without their father pass through your head. A fear that you never wanted them to have to deal with. Complete chaos...and you are miles away in a dorm helpless being held by a frightened roommate, who expects you to commit suicide at any second. A few days later you find out that another friend died in a car accident, but you've missed the funeral because she died weeks earlier. The mourning becomes one. My days are no longer a "one by one" thing, since 2005, I literally feel like I've been living everyday as one. Incident in Jan 2007 didn't make anything any better. I've been detached from everything and everyone. Why am I just now realizing this? A friend just told me that he doens't even know if I'm alive anymore. I honestly don't know if I'm alive anymore.

Make me bad...

So, I've had the chance to pick up the Korn MTV Unplugged Cd, can we say awesome?! Not only were a few of my favorite Korn songs on there, but the Radiohead: Creep cover made me scream. I love that song. And, the lovely, beautiful,sexy Robert Smith provided his lovely voice to track 1 as well as an entire song. Can we push repeat? Um, yeah. I had no idea that he joined Korn for a song, it was lovely. Of course anything that Smith does is great in my eyes. I love his hair. I love his style. I love his voice. I love his lipstick and eye makeup. I love that he's not perfect, I love that he doesn't give a fuck. I love that he's an artist. Did I mention that I love his voice? Each time that he sang, "Make me bad.", it sounded so damn naughty and dirty.

I've decided to stretch another lobe piercing. I can't help myself. I'm going up to an 8g from a 10g on one and from a 16g to a 10g on the other. Not that big of a jump, but a jump nonetheless. Can't help myself. I want so desperately to stretch up to a 2g, but that size is nearly impossible to hide will job searching/working. I think, I know that I'll stretch to a 2g on my bottom lobe piercing eventually, there's no lie with that. I think I'll eventually have it like this, 2g, 10g and 16g. That's a good range I think.

I didn't say everything that I wanted to say...

This morning, well this afternoon actually, my mother gave me a ring. A platnium clad ring with diamoniques. I slipped it on my finger, and quickly returned it to the box. It's pretty. I like it, but right now it's just not me. Just seeing it on my finger made me want to cry. It made me realize how worthless I truly am. When I took it off she asked me if I liked it, now she's concerned that I don't like it. Where am I going to wear the ring? Oh wait...I'll just start getting dressed everyday in a suit and sit in the living room. I'll put on my three inch heels, apply my professional makeup and pretend that I'm a working woman. In fact, while I'm at it..I'll put the dog out of the house from 8am-3pm and pretend she's my daughter going to and from school. It'll be fun! I'll never take the ring out of the box to look at it anymore. I've already put it away in my jewelry box. With all the other pieces of jewelry that I enjoy, but I have nowhere to wear it to. It makes me sick just thinking about it. So sad. How did I become this? I absolutely hate my life. I hate the restrictions and the nothingness that it has become. I always had dreams of going out and really just taking on the world. I could do anything. I could become anyone. But always, I knew I'd be happy, satisfied and complete...but then I realized how important money was. Without it, there's no such thing as living your dreams. There's no such thing as anything. I don't laugh anymore. I hide out in my room all day. I'm great at crying...need some tears? Just let me know. Maybe I'll start auctioning off tears on Ebay. I'm tired of taking shit. I'm tired of the little remarks...I know that I don't have a job or a career...but I know that I've tried. I've applied. Applied and applied some more. I never thought it would have been this complicated. There were messages on the phone, my mom said there were a few for me, but she never told me who they were from. When I was finally given the passcode, my sister had already deleted everything. *sigh* I no longer feel comfortable around here. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel that everyone around here talks about me, well, I know that they do. My grandmother. My older sister. My mom. My little brother. My little sister. They talk about me. Make jokes. Get angry. And gladly make fun. I'm not proud of the situation that I'm in. I'm not proud of it at all. I've been depressed since I was a little girl, 8 years old to be exact. I've never truly been happy inside. But no matter what has happened, I've always been able to live. I've always been able to find light and reason to continue on, but not now. I have absolutely nothing. Life doesn't suck, life isn't a pain in the ass, life hurts. My life hurts and it's clearly going nowhere. Talk about running face first into a brick wall.

This ain't a scene, it's a god damned arms race..

I swear to god, chocolate is the only thing that helps with cramps. No joke. Chocolate flavored tea is helping right now. Early today a reece cup did the trick...I'm not going to overstuff myself with chocolate, but for a few days I need it, or I swear I'm going to die. I'm craving it like mad. Another hour of exercise tonight, no doubt. I hate cramps. And about two weeks out of every month, I hate being a girl. I hate it!!

My flesh tunnels came in today...happy. So that's two down, one to go. Yay.

Anna Nicole Smith. I said it. I'm dedicating an entry to her. I'm one of millions talking about her, but from my understanding, I am one of few who seems to realize that she was a human being. She was flawed, hell we are all flawed. Why is her death news? Her death is news because she was an icon...face it people, she was idolized. You don't get rich and famous without having a following. She was beautiful. She had a goal: to become rich and famous, she set out and reached it. She didn't have a high school education, but she still made it. Fast food to adult entertainment, however she made the money doesn't matter...she reached her dream. Now...I'm tired of hearing people say, "Ugh...she is not news worthy and who cares?" Well...no, in reality she's not news worthy, but how in the hell could you be so heartless? I'm saying thate people should call off work from work due to depression because of her death, but have some consideration. She was neglected, apparently all of her life. Abuse, yeah, she expierenced it. Lack of education and a world full of money hungry individuals...it's hard to know who your friends are. She was a druggie, she lost her son, her best friend. Clearly she was heartbroken. Drug use while pregnant, she was in detox while pregnant, even I am willing to bash someone over that...but it was her lifestyle. Her reason for giving birth in the Bahamas? So child custody wouldn't step in after giving birth. No, I'm not finding excuses, she suffered no more than the next. There are plenty of women out there who are users while pregnant, she's not the first. Family and friends new of her drug use...if they didn't see it, they saw the aftermath. Slurred speech and strange behavior...at what point does a loved one step in for an intervention? I would like to know that if my life goes completely to hell in a handbasket due to drug use, that my family and friends would step in and suggest, maybe even court order me into rehab. "She had it coming." Honestly, we all have it coming. Death is going to happen, but her death didn't have to happen like this. I put the fame aside, lose the fame, she was no one but a drug using, high school drop out mother...but she was trying. There's a baby who will never know her mother. But this isn't the first situation of this. Frances Bean will never know her father, and Delrae Vazquez's child while never know her. It's sad, famous or not. It seems that Anna never truly had her way, the only thing that went her way was the creation of her burial gown.

Her location of burial: Bahamas...and my only question is, why? I haven't really followed the story, it just kinda popped up on the news from time to time and I'm pretty sure that I heard somewhere along the way that she was either kicked out of the Bahamas, or wanted out because of the extreme controversy that she was causing. Why in the hell would they allow for her to be buried there? It's not right. Not right at all, even in her death, someone is trying to make a penny, and the Bahamas is not the only ones doing so. There was much talk of having her buried in the United States. I think she should be buried here...she is, after all, an American star. But, I never heard mention of bringing along her son. They should both be relocated to the States in order for her fans to pay their tributes and respect, it's only fair. Not only fans, but friends and family as well. I'm not a fan, but I respected her as a human, I respected her as the blond bimbo that she had to portray in order to continue with the cash flow, I respected her as a mother who tried, as flawed as she may have been...but let's face it, no one can be perfeckt. (Yes I know, it's spelled wrong.)

I wonder what her first words were as she walked outside of her body. Maybe, "Damn...I fucked up this time." As sad as it is, Danni Lynn has two beautiful guardian angels. I hope she is raised and cared for by someone who can get her the help that she'll need as she grows up. Children aren't stupid, she's going to see those dates, her birth, her brother's death and her mother's death and question, "What the fuck?" It's crazy to think it, but can it be possible that Methadone truly destroyed this family? I'm hoping she really did die of natural causes...one of her lungs had collapsed not to long before she actually passed. Maybe she honestly died of a broken heart. I'm hoping she wasn't murdered...that would be horrific.

And what about James Brown? He's been dead since December 25, 2006...that kid is still not buried.

I treasure your love, I never want to lose it.

My sister picked up the new Sonic and the Secret Rings game for Wii. Intense. Well, not really intense...just difficult to master, that's for sure. I've figured it out, but it's easy to get the various moves mixed up from time to time. And the enemies to kill pop up to late in the game for you to really react.

Tuesday I'm going to apply for a job at Lowes. Eww. I really don't want to do that...but the very large "Now Hiring" sign out front of the store and the fact that it's only 3 minutes away, doesn't hurt either.

Everyone who knows me, knowns how badly I want a baby. It's almost some kind of weird need. I've had one person in support of me popping out a kid now, and I guess that's because she's in some weird fantasy world of "mommy and daddy are always there to help." Well, in that aspect, I'm already screwed because my dad has been dead for 17 years now, and well, my mom doesn't have shit. She has two kids, and plenty of family support. I have no kids and still no support. No job, no apartment, nothing. That's one of the reasons why I crave a job...I know that once I find a job, I'm just one step closer to having a child. Sure, I'd like to be in a relationship, I'd like to be married even, but from the life I've lived, I learned that things don't always happen the way we'd like them to.

Whatever life brings, I've been through everything...

I'm still up..can't sleep, who cares? Today is the fourth, which means the job that I applied for at the library will begin their application reviewing process. I feel like I've been waiting forever, I can only cross my fingers and hope that I am librarian material. I've had three years expierence with another library, so it wouldn't be a new field for me...please let me get this job. $13.53 an hour. $0, living at home, with nothing straight to $13.53 an hour? Sure it's part-time, but at this point I don't care. I can start paying my college so that I can get my freaking degree on paper, I can start paying back those loansharks, I can start going to the doctors, I can start on my much needed road to plastic surgery, I can purchase things that I need....and best of all, I can find a freaking roommate and move out of here. I'm willing to go half and half on rent with someone, hell, two people even, as long as I have my own room. As long as the place is equally shared...I'm 24 years old...I need my freedom again and this just ain't cutting it.

It's so depressing around here, and my loss of freedom. The only person who truly realizes that is my older sister. She actually asked me one day how I felt about coming home from college. Four years, and then bam...I was back here. No respect, unhappy, tossed into a fucked up environment once again. I keep searching for a job, and temporarily given up on the idea of finding a career right now. I just need a job..and so quickly. I can't work fast food, and I'd rather not work as a cashier...but if this continues to fail, I'm going to apply again at Walmart and Home Depot. I don't want to, but it's an option. Honestly, on top of everything else, just being here is causing to be even more suicidal. People have suggested, "You can do anything you want." I don't really know the world that they come from, but in my world I can't. I can't just up and leave without cash, I'm not going to live on the streets. All of my friends here are married, have live in partners or have children...I'm not going to crash on their couches. I don't have a car, so I don't have the option to live out of my car for a few weeks...I have no other options, but stay here fully depressed and suicidal and continue to hope and pray each time that I apply for a job.

I hope that I get this job, I'm starting to give up very quickly now...I've been searching for a job nearly a year now...I get upset with my other friends because they honestly have family support, I have absolutely nothing. No car, I don't have two parents, I don't have two working parents, I don't know how to drive, no one around here has extra money, my family lacks connections with great businesses, I have nothing. I'm literally starting with nothing...of course I know that I'm not the only one living like this...but damn, is it frustrating. You hear that with a college degree things just get easier...haha...I learned the hard way that that was a lie. I should have just stayed home and found a job. Just think, I would have had several nice raises by now, and I'd have plenty to move out on my own....I'm going to stop thinking about, it's making me want to scream.

Dusting off your savior...

Terribly sad, another woman murdered by a fucked up husband. Doesn't make any sense, and it never will. Two children, without a mother or a father. Children who will never truly understand why daddy decided he had to take away mommy. He killed her, lied and said she was picked up by someone, left her body in the family garage and now he's missing. Any reason that he gives for this, will never be enough.

Situations like this cause me to fear my future. Okay, so every husband out there doesn't end up killing his wife, but it happens, and it's a tragic number that I'd rather not be apart of. She thought she was in love. She clearly thought he cared enough about her. Married and two children, and he ends up killing her. Not only did he kill her, but he did so in a manner that the only thing left behind is her torso. Her children can't even have an open casket funeral. So she's gone and her screwed the funeral up as well. I don't want to be in love with someone, have two or more kids and then end up dead and cut up. That's so horrible. No wait..horrible is maybe losing a sock, or dealing with a dog eating your homework..this is horrific.



http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/husband-sought-as-womans-torso-found/20070303114009990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001

This ain't a scene it's a god damn arms race..

"Two-thirds of Americans are overweight or obese, yet they live in a culture that glorifies thinness."-By Alexandra Marks

We gloify thinness, but the insanity that it takes to get there makes everything ten times worse. I guess I am what people would call a yo-yo dieter. I'll slim down and bam, stress or some kind of hardship and I gain everything back, and then some, then I'll lose it all again. Because of this, my closet literally looks like a shopping mall for the plus size. You can find pants from sizes 18-28 and shirts that range from XL to 4x. Undergarments are from 7-9...I even have boots that go up my leg, that I can't wear all the time.The funny thing about it is that I can literally wear a 22 one day and wake up and have to inch my way up to a 24 or 26. Walking into my closet is like a game, the "Let's see what we can fit today" game. Diet, exercise and a active life in general...in my mind it never truly pays off. I don't just sit around the house all day. I am active. I don't drive, so I walk everywhere. I don't eat fried foods, pork chops, ribs, hamburgers, fast food...I don't eat that stuff. I don't drink pops, milk, or juice, water is my main liquid conusmption. In my mind I am already doing everything right, so I can't even begin to understand what the problem is. My dietician in the past told me that I needed to lay off the chips and second helpings...at that time I hadn't had chips in over 5 years, and I was offended when she said that. I don't eat chips. Second helpings...okay, that could be a problem, but seconds are okay with certain foods, it's not like I heap my plate. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong...could it be the fear of extreme weight gain that has me over the edge? Is it the fear of being fat for the remainder of my life that frightens me? Doctors never have answers, and neither do I...but it's frustrating. I'd like to be thin. But I'm going to keep my goals realistic, I'll reach for 145. Maybe even 150...it seems so reasonable to me, so why in the hell can't I get there?

Everything will come in time.

I took a walk to Dollar General today. Everyone said, over and over, "It's not cold out." Bullshit. Not only was it freezing cold, but the wind was blowing like crazy. I wanted to crawl under a rock for warmth, but I needed to go to DG. I need to get over my fear of driving, this walking BS, is starting to bug me. So I'm in the store shopping, shopping away, and all of a sudden this guy starts growling at me. Yes, he was growling at me and commenting on how good I liked. "I like that. Yea.. That's nice. Thick, healthy girl. " I'm just standing there looking at easter candy for my nephews, then I realized he was actually talking to me. He called over his girlfriend/wife/friend/whatever, and said, "Look at that, that's nice." And she looked my way and agreed. What the hell? Everytime that I step out of the house I encounted weirdos commenting on my thick, healthy body. All while this was happening I was talking myself out of buying some 3.00 DG diet pills. Would they work? Would they kill me? Would they work? Would they work? I put them back, but I promised to get them later on, it can't hurt to try.

No flesh tunnels or plugs. Gah.

A heart can always be broken

Don't fucking belittle me.

They don't love you like I love you...

I'll find trust when necessary, but right now I don't need it just yet. I would like to know that you could understand that. I'd like to know that you'd give me my space and let me talk when I need to. I'd like to know that you'll understand that I'll be okay. I'll be okay, but not when you want me to be. I'll be okay, when I'm good and ready to be okay.

For now, please love, just leave me alone.

Where are you dad? Mom's looking sad...

So...

I get tired of dealing with racism. I'm so fvcking tired of it. The funny thing about it, is that I know I'm black, so when you come at me with "you black bitch", why not make it count? Sure, I laughed at his ignorance, but what really pissed me off is the fact that he called me a bitch. No one calls me a bitch, not even some prick over the internet. I won't have it. I was going to play his game, but I wasn't going to be ignorant.

"FUCKING COON DESERVE TO BE SALVES AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER CLAIMING THE LAND TO BE THERE OWN FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!! YOU WHORE COONS DESERVE TO BE RAPED FOREVERMORE AND YOU COONS DESERVE TO HANG AND BURN FOREVERMORE!!!!! AND FUCK YOU BILLY IDOL FOR SELLING OUT AND DOING A RAP COMMERCIALI HOPE YOU BURN IN THE 9TH LAYER OF HELL YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

Mood:RAPED, UPSET, ABSOLUTELY PISSED OFF
Music:FUCK OFF!!!!!"

It all starts with that. Some jackass gets pissed off because Billy Idol rapped. I've never heard the commercial, or song...but either way it doesn't matter to me. So he gets pissed and takes it out on someone black...me! haha. After calling me a "black bitch", this 18 year old kid blocks me. So he was having the last word, I don't think so. It wasn't me handling the business, but I took it to admin, they deleted his ass for what "being an asshole." What can I say? He messed with the wrong bitch.

If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home...my daddy told me so.

Today is March 1st. Why is this important, well, to some people it's not, but for those of us who self-injure, it is very important. Today is National Self-Injury Awareness Day, also known as NSIAD. I don't know why I tend to make such a big deal out of a day that is hardly known nationally. People who self-harm stepped up because they were tired of being mistreated in the workplace, medical field, schools, and by friends and family. Mistreatment of course, is, in my opinion, caused by fear and ignorance. All of this started in 1999. So, as a person who injures, and as a person who has been mistreated and ignored by doctors mistreated in college and so very misunderstood by family and friends, I feel that it is my duty to speak up as well. It is my duty to speak up and inform people of the importance of this day. Several places throughout the internet I posted up "fake ribbons" with links to various informative websites. I wore my orange today. Heh, look, I'm even typing this entry in orange, and the funny thing is, I hate the color orange. It's one of those colors that I can say, "I wouldn't be caught dead in orange." With that, it's a good thing that I didn't die today. XD It's funny though, my family doesn't know anything about NSIAD. They don't know about it, and I tell them nothing about it. Funny how that works. I could tell the entire world, while standing in front of a microphone that I self-injure, but...if my family were there, I'd probably talk about bunnies. I talk about my self-injury excessively on the internet. I have to talk about it somewhere. I've been doing this for going on 15 years now, and I will say that deep inside I feel that it needs to remain a big secret, but then again, since it's been apart of me for so long, I can't even begin to understand why it has to be such a painful secret, I didn't murder anyone.

I do have supportive friends though, and thank goodness for that. I have friends who actually wanted to know about SI, so they'd sit down with me and ask questions...I wish it were always that easy.

The colors for this day are as follows:

Orange: if you still self-injure

Orange and White: if you are in recovery

White: if you don't injure, but you are in full support of the cause, or if you injure and you don't want people to know that you do just yet.

So...in dedication to March 1st, National Self-Awareness Day I write this entry in orange.